An Unkindness Of Ravens
by Lathan Lover
Summary: After a hazing gets out of control Lucas is broken, leaving Nathan to deal with the aftermath. Lathan. Warnings for MM Slash, Incest, Rape, and Language.


**A/N: I have permission from Miss Meehan to repost this story.**

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Lucas lay naked, battered and bruised in the filthy muddy puddle, hands still tied securely behind his back. He'd lost track of time lying in the wetness. He'd managed to rise to his knees, head bent, body and spirit broken. Already the events were like a bad movie playing over and over again in his head. He felt filthy from the inside and the outside. He could still smell and taste the musty burlap bag that had covered his head. He could still hear the giggles and whispers as his captors drove him for what seemed like an eternity. His heart was still beating fast from the terror of the car rolling to a stop. He still felt the hands, pulling him out and around the back of the car. It all went bad from there. Until then, he'd prepared himself for an ass whipping or with any luck they'd just be pleased with themselves for terrifying the crap out of him.

When the hands began to roughly remove his shirt, fondle his nipple, tug at the zipper of his jeans, roughly pull down his briefs, invade his body, he knew it was going to go really badly for him. Even now in the silence of wherever he was, he could still hear the slide of metal zippers and tearing of foil packs. His body aches from being bent against steel and violated over and over again. He played a game in his head to take him away from the reality of what was happening; counting ravens. One raven, two ravens, three ravens, four. 'What do you call more than one raven? An unkindness!

The final phase of initiation was to kidnap Lucas, rough him up a bit and then welcome him to the team. Nathan had been looking forward to it. Not so much the rough stuff, but the end to it all. He actually liked Lucas. Lucas wasn't a suck up like some of his younger team mates. He stood his ground and defied Nathan at every turn. He'd even had the guts to beat him down in class. Nathan thought he'd be a formidable ally on the court. Besides, he needed to rein Tim and the others in. Their ideas were getting wilder and though he was sure his father would be proud if he'd totally humiliated the boy, Nathan was slowly beginning to be his own man and not care what his father thought.

The night of the final phase of the hazing, Nathan had to back out and reschedule it for the following Friday. Tim insisted he could carry it off without him, but Nathan preferred to be there to keep things in control. He had tutoring with Haley and ordered Tim to cease and desist until the following week. It was during that session that Haley pleaded Lucas' case. Nathan confided that he was planning to end the harassment and to welcome his brother with open arms. There was something else he nearly confessed but forced himself for once to keep his trap shut.

The truth was even since junior league, since before his father confirmed the whispers, even before the whispers reached his ears; he had been attracted to the skinny blond with the funny hair. He was a good player. He had an even temper that helped still some of the insanity that constantly raged inside of Nathan. He liked being close to him. Later, that like turned to something else, but by then he knew the truth and hated Lucas for making him feel the way he did, even though he knew the boy was unaware.

Nathan had a recurring dream. He supposed it began from the day they stole his brother's clothes and hid, watching him parade around the school with those two ridiculous basketballs to cover him. He couldn't get the image of his slender blond half-brother out of his mind. He always seemed to wake just as one of the balls dropped and rolled to his feet.

Nathan took a detour home. He wanted to just drive and think. Accepting Lucas would mean seeing him everyday. He hoped he could deal. Carrying a torch for your brother was not something Dan Scott would approve of. Hell, he knew, carrying a torch for any guy would be a no no in his dad's playbook. A car flew by him so fast that he almost had to veer off the narrow road just a bit to keep from getting side swiped. Nathan could have sworn the car belonged to his teammate Tim.

He smiled imagining the guys went somewhere to blow off steam. After next Friday, Nathan planned on inviting his brother to his dad's...no their dad's beach house for a party he was planning. Part of him was excited at the prospect of Lucas being in that big house with him. Part of him knew it was wishful thinking. Lucas would most likely say no to him. His mind had wandered and when he finally focused on the road he let out a shrill scream. A pale figure partially covered in mud flung itself at his car. This time he did veer off the road and into the tall grass that lined the edges. By the time he calmed himself and managed to climb out the car, the figure was on the ground.

The first thing Nathan noticed was the person was male and they were naked. Pale patches of skin peeped out through the muck and mire they were covered in. Nathan approached carefully. The figure became skittish and tried to crawl away.

"It's okay...it's okay...I'm not going to hurt you."

Nathan squatted and reached a hand out tentatively. He lifted the male by his chin and jerked back falling on his butt and scrambling away himself. "My god, Lucas, who did this to you?"

"You did," the teen answered tearfully.

"No," Nathan shook his head in disbelief.

Both boys sat in the middle of the road staring at each other. Nathan wasn't sure which one of them was more shell-shocked. That's when he saw his brother's hands were bound behind his back. He crawled closer, stretching out a hand again.

"No no no...I'm just going to untie you," he said, seeing the teen was attempting to back away.

Nathan held his hands out to show he had nothing up his sleeve. "Just want to untie you okay?"

Lucas didn't respond, but he didn't run away either. Nathan pulled his brother up into a kneeling position and leaned him against his chest. He reached around and untied the knot that bound the boy's hands together and pulled them forward towards him. The moonlight and his headlights cutting through the blades of grass provided him enough light to see his brother was in bad shape. His wrists were red and bruised. There was bruising on his thighs, his back and when he finally convinced the teen to stand, he saw similar marks elsewhere and he knew what had happened.

"I need to take you to a hospital."

Lucas panicked and began to pull away but Nathan was faster and stronger. He held on to the boy's wrists but then his brother started screaming and Nathan panicked. He hit him once, knocking him out cold. He lifted the teen, placed him in the back seat and covered him as best he could with his jacket. Once in the driver's seat, Nathan started the car and drove. He had every intention of taking the unconscious teen to the hospital but the old Scott need for self preservation kicked in. He drove and drove until he found himself at the beach house.

When he looked back, Lucas was awake and cowering in the corner of back seat. He pulled into the driveway and let out a sigh of relief, seeing the house dark and unoccupied.

"No," Lucas said in a shaky voice. When Nathan opened the back door to pull him out, his brother kicked and flailed his arms, striking the brunette several times in the chin and chest.

"Dammit, I'm not trying to hurt you," Nathan shouted. When his brother stilled, Nathan took a deep breath and calmed himself. He knew the teen was traumatized and yelling wouldn't get him anywhere.

Nathan squatted down by the passenger door and peered in at his brother who had scrambled to the other end of the seat.

"I didn't tell them to do this, I swear," he said gently. "Please Lucas, come inside with me. You can get cleaned up and I'll get you some clothes. I promise," he finished, holding his hand to his heart, "I won't hurt you."

Nathan stood and backed away from the door and prayed his brother understood him and would come out. It seemed like forever before Nathan heard the rustle of movement against the leather seating.

"That's it," Nathan encouraged, stepping back a little further, "Let's get you all cleaned up," he spoke gently as if talking to a child.

Nathan almost had him up the driveway when his brother stopped, frozen with fear.

"They're in there," he said backing away.

"No Lucas, no one is in there." Nathan held his hand out; ready to grab his brother is he suddenly chose to run.

"They're waiting for me," he said, a tear running down his cheek.

"I swear," Nathan said again, both hands up in surrender, "no one is here. No one is going to hurt you."

Lucas took a hesitant step forward. Nathan didn't speak, didn't encourage, just kept backing up, giving his brother as much space as he needed. By the time they made it to the door, Nathan was exhausted and was beginning to think self-preservation be damned, he should have taken his brother to the hospital.

Once inside, Nathan turned on every light on the ground floor to assure his brother they were alone. Lucas stayed pressed to the door and Nathan knew he was calculating a quick getaway if needs be.

"There's a bathroom down this hall and to your right," Nathan said from a distance. "I'll get you a cloth and some towels and you can get cleaned up.

"Why?" Lucas asked puzzled.

"Why what?"

"Why did you do this to me?"

Nathan closed his eyes against the blue accusing ones staring back at him. The truth was he did do this to him. Not physically but he'd started it. He knew without a doubt that Tim and some of his teammates had taken it upon themselves to teach his brother a lesson. This was exactly the type of thing he was trying to avoid. 'Damn you Tim,' he thought.

"I'm sorry." Nathan knew that sounded lame and like an admission of guilt. "I didn't tell them to do this. I wasn't even there."

"I'm gonna be sick," Lucas announced before holding his hand to his mouth.

Nathan grabbed him by the shoulders, jacket falling to the ground and raced him down the corridor to the restroom. He sat on the tubs edge running his hands through his hair, watching his brother heave and cough until nothing else would come up. He leaned over and flushed the toilet and then turned on the water for the shower.

"You should get cleaned up," Nathan said solemnly. He placed a washcloth and towel on the edge of the tub, stood and left.

Once on the other side of the door he had a complete melt down. He slid down the closed door and sobbed quietly into his hands. When he finally composed himself he heard similar sounds coming from the other side of the door.

The sound of his cell phone jolted him out his trance. Of all people it was Tim. "What"" Nathan answered harshly.

"You should have been there tonight. We had an awesome time."

"I'm kinda in the middle of something. Can we talk about this tomorrow?" Nathan knew he needed to control his anger. His mind was already hatching a plan and it hinged on his keeping cool.

"Sure, tell Peyton hi for me."

Nathan clicked of his cell and tossed it across the floor. Every instinct was urging him to hop in his car, show up at Tim's door and wring his neck, but he had more important matters to attend to right now. His priority was Lucas and his well being. Letting him shower had been a mistake. He should have taken him to the hospital, insisted that Lucas press charges. He'd been selfish and scared.

"Damn it," he muttered, not understanding how things had gotten so radically out of hand. The sound of the shower stopping brought him back to the present.

He knew there'd be plenty of time for kicking himself for allowing this to happen to his brother. Right now Lucas needed him. He stood and backed away from the door, waiting for his brother to emerge. After several minutes, when Lucas didn't appear, he panicked. He pushed in the door fearing he'd find his brother slumped over the sink with his wrists slit. Instead, he found Lucas wearing his robe, standing in the mirror, staring at himself.

"I look the same," he said quietly before walking past Nathan and back down the corridor.

"Lucas," Nathan spoke softly. The teen stopped without turning around.

"Maybe we should call somebody like your mother or Uncle Keith or...the police."

Lucas visibly bristled at the last. He spun around, eyes wide and charged at his brother. "No cops...no...no...no one...no one knows...please...,"

Nathan allowed himself to be pummeled, waiting for the boy's strength to wane. When he finally collapsed against him, sobbing into his chest, Nathan careful guided him to the living room, helping him onto one of the overstuffed sofas and gently guiding him down until he was lying on his side. Nathan sat across from him on the marble coffee table and spoke again.

"Your mom will be worried. We've got to call her."

"No," Lucas said, shutting his eyes.

"We don't have to tell her about this, but we have to tell her something."

Nathan waited and finally after several minutes Lucas nodded in agreement. Nathan got the phone and handed it to his brother. He was pretty sure Lucas wasn't up to this but it was getting late and he knew Lucas' mom would worry.

Lucas sat up and stared at the phone for a long time. He looked up at his brother, lost and asked in a small voice, "What should I say?"

"Whatever you're comfortable with," Nathan reassured.

Lucas dialed and waited for his mother to answer. "Hi mom. I'm with Nathan. No everything's fine, we just...we needed some time alone to sort things out. Is it alright if I spend the night? We're at his beach house. Thanks. See you soon."

Nathan watched Lucas slump back against the sofa as if the conversation had sapped him of all his strength. He supposed in a way it had. Nathan leaned forward to extract the phone from his brother's hand. The sudden motion made his brother jump and flinch away.

"Sorry...sorry. I just wanted to take the phone."

Lucas handed it to him silently.

"Lucas," Nathan said, leaning forward, "can you tell me who did this to you?"

"Your friends," Lucas replied bitterly.

"You can identify them? If so, you need to press charges."

Lucas shook his head violently, drawing his knees up to his chest.

"Alright," Nathan soothed, "we don't have to deal with that right now. Maybe we should get you to bed. My mom has some pills she takes to help her sleep."

"Don't want to sleep," Lucas said tiredly.

"Okay, no pills. Um...okay...let me get you into bed. You can stay in my room."

"Where will you sleep?" Lucas asked fearfully.

"Down here on one of these sofa's is fine. Okay?"

Lucas sat looking thoughtful for awhile. "Do you have to call anybody?"

Nathan smiled, "No, not really."

"Will they come here?"

"No Lucas," Nathan said firmly, "they will not come here. I promise."

"Can I sleep down here too?"

"Of course you can," Nathan smiled. "You take this sofa right here. I'll take the one by the window. I'll get us some sheets and you a pair of pajamas."

Nathan headed upstairs and into his room to grab the sheets of his bed and get Lucas a pair of his pajamas out of his dresser. The voice behind him startled him.

"I didn't see their faces."

Nathan spun around to find his brother standing in the doorway, tears beginning to form in his eyes. He stopped what he was doing and sat at the foot of his bed. He hoped the look on his face was one that would encourage open dialogue. He didn't realize he was actually holding his breath until Lucas spoke again and he exhaled.

"They put a bag over my head. I didn't see their faces."

Nathan felt sick to his stomach. 'Fucking cowards,' he thought as he stared at his hands. He couldn't bear to look his brother in the eye. "I saw Tim's jeep go by...right before I...found you."

Guilt was eating Nathan up inside. He wasn't sure how much to reveal to Lucas. He'd planned to kidnap and torment his brother as the final phase of initiation. It wasn't supposed to end up like this. They weren't even supposed to do it tonight. He'd planted the idea in his teammate's heads, so he was just as guilty for what happened to Lucas.

"Nathan," Lucas' voice penetrated his thoughts, "why do you hate me so much?"

"I don't. I...it's just my dad, he rides me about not letting anyone steal my thunder and I wanted to show him that I wasn't weak. It was stupid and I shouldn't have listened to him. If I hadn't of started all this, what happened to you...Lucas, I'm so sorry. I don't hate you. In some ways I envy you."

"You envy me?" Lucas laughed bitterly.

"You're mom and Uncle Keith, they love you. My dad...he just sees me as his second chance. I wish things were different...I wish we could have been a family, you know...it would have been cool to grow up with a brother."

Nathan glanced up to find Lucas studying him curiously.

"What?"

"I wished for the same things too," Lucas said.

He woke up some time before dawn. The glass door was slid open and a strong morning breeze blew through the still room. Nathan rubbed at his eyes and sat up, working out the kinks in his neck and shoulders. It took a minute for his eyes to focus and that's when a sickening feeling washed over him. Lucas was gone. His head snapped immediately towards the open door and before he could think, he was running down the wooden stairs that led to their private stretch of beach.

'Don't let him have done anything foolish,' he thought as he raced down the old faded steps and ran onto the beach. The wind was stronger as he stepped out of the house and onto the beach. He took in a deep breath and was about to call out his brother's name when he spotted a figure sitting along the edge of the shore wrapped in a sheet. He stumbled forward stopping just inches behind the figure sitting perfectly still watching the tide recede. Falling to his knees out of breath, he called his brother's name shakily.

"Lucas, what are you doing out here."

The blond looked at him under the rising sun a little more focused than the previous night. "I couldn't sleep."

"You should have woke me. Have you been out here all night?" Nathan said, taking ragged breaths.

"Just a little while. I needed to think."

Nathan nodded, encouraging Lucas to go on.

"As much as I don't want to, I have to go back and face them."

"Does that mean you'll press charges?"

"I'm not sure. I just, I can't hide here forever."

"Whatever you decide, I've got your back, I promise."

Lucas gave his brother a grateful smile. "You're freezing."

It was then that Nathan realized he was dressed only in his underwear. "I'm fine. We should get you back inside though. I think a storm is coming."

Lucas nodded and stood, pulling the sheet tight around him. Nathan followed wrapping his arms around himself as he climbed the steps back up to the beach house. Once inside, he pulled the door closed.

"Are you hungry?"

Lucas shook his head no.

"We don't have to rush back right away. We can go back late this evening," Nathan offered.

"No. I want to get this over with."

"Lucas..."

"The longer I stay here, the harder it will be."

Nathan understood. "I'll find you something to wear." He disappeared up the steps. He dreaded going back himself. He dreaded facing Tim and the rest of the team. "If Lucas can do it, so can I."

He retrieved a warm-up suit, a tee shirt and a pair of sneakers from the clothes he kept at the beach house. Lucas was in the downstairs shower when he came back down. He knocked first and then placed the items on the vanity. He put on a pot of coffee and then headed back upstairs to shower himself. When he came out, Lucas was standing in his bedroom dressed in the slightly baggy clothes, holding two cups.

"Thanks," Nathan said, clutching his towel and taking one of the offered cups.

Lucas sat on the edge of the bed watching his brother.

"I think they knew," he said.

These conversations were a bit unnerving for Nathan. Plus he could feel his brother's eyes boring right through him.

He stopped fumbling through his drawers to face his brother. "Knew what?"

"About me. I think they did it because they knew."

Nathan sat down on the bed next to his brother. "I'm not following you," he said, carding his fingers through his dark hair."

"They knew about me...what I am?"

"What are you talking about Lucas?"

"They raped me because I'm gay," Lucas said flatly.

He didn't mean to, but Nathan sprung off the bed staring at Lucas incredulously.

"You're not gay. You're confused because of what's happened. Drink your coffee."

Nathan took his clothes and disappeared into the bathroom. He emerged fully dressed. Lucas was still sitting there on his bed, clutching his coffee cup.

"C'mon, let's get out of here. There's a storm coming. Maybe we can make it back before it hits." Nathan looked out at the darkening sky doubtful that leaving would be the best idea.

Lucas' eyes followed where his brother was looking. "Maybe we should check the weather."

Nathan grabbed his own cup and headed down the stairs. He paused listening until he heard Lucas' footsteps following. He was feeling uncomfortable with Lucas' confession. The last thing he wanted now was to be stuck in a storm in a house by the ocean with his brother, his possibly gay brother. Things were getting to weird. In his head he prioritized his goals, get Lucas home, beat the crap out of Tim, resume normal life. He doubted the last could be achieved easily.

Lucas had wandered away again just that quick. Nathan breathed a sigh of relief when he found his brother sitting in front of the television watching the weather channel.

"There's a storm alert," Lucas said over his shoulder.

Nathan sat next to him feeling a bit defeated. Hurricane warnings were in effect for the area and the sky was already pretty overcast. "Call your mom," Nathan said, grabbing his car keys and heading outside.

"Where are you going?" It was the first time Lucas had seemed alert since Nathan had found him.

"I'm going to move the car. We don't need it crashing through the front door. Grab some bottles of water and get some quilts from the linen closet upstairs. The bathtub is going to be our lifeboat if things get bad."

Nathan drove the car as far down the empty stretch of beach as possible. The wind was even stronger now as he hurried back to the house. He hoped Lucas had done as he instructed. His cell phone rang as he reached the steps.

"What," he answered harshly.

"Dude you still at the beach house, because we saw Peyton last night. Who you with?"

"What do you want Tim?"

"There's a big storm coming. Me and the guys are coming up. We got beer and we can have a Hurricane Ivan party."

"Don't come here Tim."

"Me and the guys got your bastard brother good last night. We'll tell you about it when we get there."

"Tim you asshole..." The phone went dead before he could get another word out. "Shit, Lucas."

Nathan hurried towards the house. The storm brewing outside was nothing compared to the one gathering inside of Nathan.

"I need you to trust me," Nathan said, running into the house. He realized he startled his brother but he didn't have time to deal with that at the present time.

Pulling him by the hand, he led Lucas upstairs to one of the larger bedrooms.

"I fixed the tub like you said," Lucas said, sounding lost again.

Nathan whirled around and clutched his brother's face in the palm of his hand. "That's good, that's very good. Now I need you to help me get this mattress downstairs. Can you do that for me?"

Lucas nodded.

"Take these pillows and covers down first, then we'll work on the mattress."

Lucas watched his brother pulling open and slamming closed drawers frantically.

"Now Lucas," Nathan roared.

Lucas moved quickly, stripping the bed and hurrying downstairs with the bundle. When he came back up, Nathan was standing in the closet holding something shiny. His eyes went wide as saucers when he recognized what it was. He backed away, knocking into the small end table and tipping over the lamp. Nathan looked up.

"No Lucas," Nathan said, holding the gun out and away from his brother. "I'm not going to hurt you. I swear."

Nathan kept his hands in view, slowly moving towards the blond. "I need you to listen carefully."

Lucas gave another silent nod, his eyes occasionally shifting towards the gun. He watched Nathan lower the weapon and put the safety on before tucking in the waistband of his jeans. He held his hands up in a non threatening way and approached slowly.

"I need for you to trust me and do everything I tell you to do." He didn't wait for a response. "We're going to take this mattress down to the bathroom and when the time comes, we're going to rest it against the door."

"What's the gun for?" Lucas asked. His eyes drifted down to the Nathan's waistband.

Nathan clutched his brother's face again in the palms of both hands.

"They're coming."

Lucas understood instantly and tried to pull away but Nathan held on tight.

"Sssh, they're not going to hurt you, I won't let them. I have my dad's gun to protect you and I have this recorder." Nathan fished the tiny voice activated recorder out of his pocket. "When they come, I want you to wait in the bathroom and barricade yourself in, understand."

"What about you?"

"Don't worry about me. I'm going to record their confession since they're coming to brag about what they did to you. If we all get out of this alive, it will be your proof if you decide to press charges."

"I don't want to."

"Sssh, you don't have to decide that now. Besides, we can use the confession to keep them away from you. Just trust me on this, okay."

Lucas nodded and whispered a small yes. "Good," Nathan said, leaning in to kiss his brother's forehead.

Lucas looked up at him and he saw a lost boy who only wanted to be loved and accepted. It broke Nathan's heart that he hadn't seen it before. He'd spent so much time seeking the same things from his own father, their father. Before he knew it, his lips were pressed against Lucas's in a gentle kiss. He broke it, dropping his hands from Lucas's face when the teen pulled away.

"Sorry...sorry, I...I guess I'm just..."

Suddenly Lucas was in his arms hugging him. "Thank you," he heard the blond whisper.

This time Nathan pulled back, shaking his head in confusion. "Why are you thanking me?"

Lucas placed a finger on Nathan's lips to silence him. "You've made an incredibly bad situation bearable. You're willing to confront your friends for me."

"They're not my friends; not anymore."

"Why did you kiss me?"

Nathan shut his eyes against the blue ones blinding him with their honesty. "I don't know. Maybe I'm gay too."

"You're not gay, you're just confused."

"Not about this." Nathan pulled him close and kissed him again. He felt Lucas straining to pull away and released him.  
"Okay, we'll deal with this after. Help me with the mattress."

They managed to squeeze the gigantic mattress through the door by angling it sideways. There was just enough room for Lucas to squeeze through the door, push it closed and climb into the tub when the time came.

Lucas and Nathan both heard the approaching car over the strong wind.

"Go," Nathan ordered.

Lucas disappeared behind the door while Nathan schooled his features and prepared for Tim and the others. He opened the door after several seconds of them pounding on it.

"Hey, we made it," Tim said, followed by three other teammates.

Nathan reached in his pocket and turned on the tape, careful to identify each of his former friends as they filed in.

"So what was so important that you came out in a storm Tim?"

"That fag brother of yours. He came on to us in my van and we had to shut him down but good."

"What are you talking about, Felix what is he talking about?"

"Like he said, we picked up your brother trying to be nice since you were planning on welcoming him to the team next week, but he got all freaky with Tim."

"No it was Felix he was after," Tim protested.

"Slow down," Nathan forced a smile. The windows were rattling and the sky was nearly a grey black. "Start from the beginning. Tim you go first."

"Well don't get mad Nathan, but we've all been noticing how your fag brother stares at us, especially you, in the locker room and we thought maybe if we taught him a lesson, he'd quit the team once and for all."

"But I thought I made it clear, we were going to accept him on the team."

"Yeah, but Felix and Brandon here were uncomfortable with it."

The blond with the shaggy hair spoke up. "It wasn't my idea to fuck him Tim that was your idea."

Nathan shook his head; standing and moving closer to where his four teammates were sitting. "Did you just say Tim fucked Lucas, Brandon"  
"We all did," Tim said defensively, running his hand through his short brunette hair nervously.

"Felix, tell me you didn't take part in this."

"They forced me. Tim said we all had to do it. We all had to be in it together."

"I never forced you Felix. I never said a word once we got started. Remember? We agreed, no talking so he couldn't identify us."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," Nathan said, trying to control his rage, "How many of you took part?"

"Just us," Brandon answered.

"Just you Brandon, Tim, Felix and Jack?"

"That's right," Jack spoke up.

"Does Lucas know it was you four that raped him?"

"No Nathan, don't worry," Tim answered. "We put a burlap sack over his head and tied his hands. We never spoke so he can't identify us."

Nathan nodded.

"Look man, we know you wanted your brother on the team but if you had of noticed the way he looked at you," Tim said again.

Nathan was about to answer when the wind shattered the front window. The boys scattered. Tim and Felix ran for the stairs when the front door blew open. Jack and Brandon crouched behind the sofa. Furniture was whipped around by the wind and Nathan was briefly disoriented by the strong winds and debris whipping around the room. The tide had risen and water crashed through the shattered windows.

"Upstairs," Nathan heard Tim shout and Felix and the others crawled up the stairs looking for shelter against the storm.

Nathan made his way back through the kitchen. As far as his former friends were concerned it was every man for himself. He quickly pulled open a draw and extracted what he needed. On his hands and knees he crawled to the bathroom door. The force of the wind down the hall was too much for him and he was sure he would die right there in his own home. He felt a hand pulling him by the shirt. It gave him enough strength to push a little harder.

It took a while to realize it was Lucas who had him. The minute he was inside the bathroom he heard the door shut and the sound of Lucas pushing the mattress against the door.

"Get in," Lucas yelled, climbing into the tub.

Nathan climbed in between his brother's legs and felt his arms go around him, holding him in place. Nathan barely had time to put the recorder in the small plastic ziplock bag he fetched from the kitchen cabinet and stuff it in his pocket before the door rattled and Lucas covered there heads with the quilt.

A loud roar filled the house. Lucas clutched his brother tight before the door blew open. Then everything went black.

Nathan felt like he was in a fog or a tunnel or some other vacuous place. Darkness seemed to surround him. There were noises too. The sound of raging water or maybe he was hearing the roar of the crowd at one of his games. Something was squeezing him so tight that he ached. A voice kept whispering in his ear, "Hang on, I've got you. Don't let go." Everything seemed to hurt and he's tired, too tired to concentrate hard enough to really make sense of what's happened to him.

Later it got quiet. There may have be footsteps coming in and out of his room but he can't be sure. He's not even sure if he's in a room. He tried to remember something important that he meant to do. He tried to understand where he was and why there was so much whispering around him. He thought he could pick out a word or two. Mostly he heard his name spoken in low solemn tones that frighten him. The voices faded and one stood out among them. For Nathan it is the only one that matters now.

When Nathan opened his eyes, he was in a room with harsh white light. Every part of him ached. Voices swirled around him and it was hard to focus on one in particular. His memory was hazy and he struggled to figure out just what was happening to him.

"Welcome back," a soft voice spoke, rising above the noise of all the other voices.

Nathan felt a warm sensation, something touching him, stroking his hand. His eyes focused and for a minute he believed he must be in heaven. The face was angelic, smiling, welcoming him.

"Am I dead?"

The beautiful blond creature smiled and assured him that he wasn't.

"Lucas?"

"In the flesh," his brother smiled, still stroking his hand.

"Where am I?"

"In a hospital."

That's when he realized the creature he mistook for an angel was sitting in a wheelchair.

"Oh my god, the storm," Nathan panicked, trying to sit up. "You're hurt."

"Sssh, leg's broken," he said, "placing his palm flat against his brother's chest to hold him still. "I'll live."

"What about the others?" Everything came rushing back to him; Lucas, the rape, the recorded confession. "The tape, did I lose it?"

"Don't need it," Lucas replied. There was a hint of sorrow mixed with relief.

Nathan watched his brother with a questioning look.

"They didn't make it," the blond finally said.

"Lucas." Nathan reached out for his brother, caressing the hand that rested on his chest." "Are you okay?"

"It's weird. When I found out, I wanted to be happy but I realized it didn't change anything. It didn't change what they did to me, what they took from me."

Lucas stared at his hand, tangling his fingers in between his brothers.

"When you're ready, we'll get help."

"Let's just worry about getting you out of here." Lucas moved his wheelchair closer and stroked his brother's face.

"Where are my parents?" Nathan asked, eyeing the door.

"Getting coffee with my mom."

"Good. I'm glad you're the first person I saw."

Lucas blushed and looked away, letting his hand fall back to his brother's chest.

"So what's wrong with me?" Nathan asked.

"Fractured hip, concussion, dislocated shoulder."

"How long have I been out?"

"Just a few days."

"Lucas, did you mean what you said...about being gay?"

"What made you think of that?"

"I don't know, you stroking my face, me kissing you at the house."

Lucas jerked his hand away.

"I'm sorry; I'm being an ass again, huh?"

"No, it's just...so much has happened. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm just confused."

Nathan watched his brother, trying to gage just what was going on inside his head.

"I'm not." Nathan said. "I've never been more certain of anything in my life""We were both under a lot of stress," Lucas smiled shyly.

"Maybe, but there's only one way to know for sure."

"How?"

"Kiss me again."

"You're parents will be back soon," Lucas answered nervously.

"So, is that a yes I would kiss you again if your parents weren't coming back?" Nathan smiled.

"Nathan, I can't do this right now," Lucas shook his head. "Not after everything that happened. It would just be too weird."

Nathan nodded. "Sorry, it was thoughtless of me to suggest it."

"I should get back to my room. I'm being discharged today."

"Lucas," Nathan called after him, "can I come see you when I get out?"

"I'd like that."

"Me too," Nathan smiled, relaxing against the pillows and closing his eyes. He suddenly felt extremely tired. "Will you come back before you leave?"

"Yeah, I promise. Nathan," Lucas paused, "I have the tape."

The brunette forced his eyes open and studied his brother.

"When I tell my mom, I'd like you to be there. I'd like her to know what you did for me."

"I will," Nathan said groggily, "I promise."

The last thing Nathan remembered before drifting off to sleep was the sound of wheels rolling closer and the feel of a weight on the bed and finally, soft lips pressed against his own.

Nothing was easy. Everything reminded him of that night. A memorial service was held for his assailants. Lucas attended; not because he mourned them but because he needed to make sure they were dead. It did little to comfort him. Nathan was unable to be present, complications from his injuries kept him in the hospital longer than expected. Lucas visited every night.

It was strange for him, the things that could send his mind spiraling back to that night; the sound of hushed whispers, the roar of an engine or just the sight of more than three guys headed his way. Returning to school had been a nightmare too. Pictures of the teens who'd stolen everything from him hung in the display cabinet of the Athletic Department. Makeshift memorials surrounded their lockers and seemed to mock him. Someone would mention their names or reminisce about one of them and Lucas would feel himself break out into a cold sweat.

His concentration was off, his grades were slipping. He couldn't stand to be around people anymore. To be touched by anyone would make him cringe. With half the team suspended and the other half now dead, the basketball season at Tree Hill was mercifully over. It was of little conciliation for Lucas. In a way, Tim and the others deaths left him feeling cheated.

He hadn't told his mother or Keith about his attack. In his mind he could barely think of the incident as what it was; rape. Even during his visits with Nathan, he'd refer to it as what happened to me or my accident. There were times whenLucas was grateful to Nathan for not pushing. He never brought the subject up, yet he never shunned the topic when it came up. Other days, Lucas hated his brother. He couldn't help but feel if Nathan hadn't started the whole hazing thing to begin with, his life wouldn't be in such turmoil now.

Lucas was well aware how guilty his brother felt in this regard. Some nights when visiting hours were over and Lucas had managed to sneak back into his brother's room, he'd find him crying. The minute Nathan would see Lucas; he'd start apologizing over and over again. It was odd to have to comfort him. There were days when Lucas could do it earnestly and others when he despised his brother's tears. As Lucas continued to withdraw from everyone else, the one person he couldn't seem to detach from was Nathan. They were bound together it seemed in their secret. Part of that contributed to Lucas's anger. They should have been bound together for other reasons, but fear and hatred made it impossible and set them on the course they walked now.

At night Lucas lay awake praying to make it through another day a hoping against hope to have just one dreamless night.

Karen was aware that something was up with her son. She blamed it on the near death experience he'd had during the hurricane. She waited and hoped that he'd settle down and things would return to normal for him. She admonished herself for being glad the basketball season had ended abruptly. She knew Nathan and his friends had been giving Lucas hell trying to make him quit the team. She was proud at how well her son had handled the pressure. She hoped the same strength and courage he'd shown then would help him through whatever he was going through. She didn't press him for answers. She knew her son well enough to know he'd come to her when he was ready.

Her first inkling that something more was up with him was when Principal Turner called her. Lucas had been skipping school and his normally high grades were slipping. Karen suggested that surviving the storm and the death of his teammates might have something to do with it. Principal Turner suggested a psychologist that the school had used before. He seemed to agree that the tragic deaths of four students was the likely reason for the change in Lucas's behavior.

"We had grief counselors in after the school reopened. Very often one or two brief sessions isn't enough," he told her. "Many students have found it therapeutic to discuss their feelings at length with someone who won't judge them."

After her conversation with Principal Turner, Karen decided that she would have Haley close the cafe that night. She was going to fix some of her son's favorite foods and have a talk with him over dinner. Lucas had always been a very level headed child. She had little doubt that persuading him to seek professional help would not be a problem.

"This won't work if you're not completely honest with me," Luke's therapist stated.

Her name was Dr. Claire Foster. She was a black woman with a very stern face, worry lines that suggested she had more to work out in her own life then her patients and huge eyes that practically bore right through Lucas's soul. Her hair was cropped short and combed in no particular style. She didn't exactly exude the warmth and caring that Lucas had imagined a therapist would.

Lucas fidgeted in the oversized armchair. How could he be completely honest with her. The very reason she thought he was there was a lie. He wasn't grieving for Tim or any of the others that lost their lives that day. He was glad they were gone and yet he wasn't. Every day he felt more cheated. He wondered if he told all their friends and family what they'd done to him, if it would bring any type of closure. He doubted it seriously, but someone needed to suffer as much as he was suffering. He knew someone already was.

"I didn't really like them," Lucas answered in a small voice.

Dr. Foster nodded. She always nodded. Lucas knew she was waiting for more.

"They were jerks. They gave me a hard time when I joined the team."

"Because of your brother," she stated.

Lucas shook his head and leaned forward a little, clasping his hands together.

"He was different then."

"And how is he now?"

Lucas didn't want to talk about Nathan. Things were getting weirder now that his brother was out of the hospital. For one, he'd moved out of his parent's house and filed for emancipation. They were spending more and more time together but they weren't talking; not about the rape and not about the kiss.

"Supportive." Lucas tried not to let the word carry more meaning than it should.

"Supportive how?" Dr. Foster asked.

He should have seen that one coming. "He understands why I don't miss them."

"Even though they were his friends." Lucas wasn't sure if she was asking a question or stating a fact.

He sighed and shifted in his chair before continuing. "He knows now that they weren't."

"Something's missing here," the woman began, proceeding carefully. "If you didn't like them, why were you with them the night they died?"

Lucas was up, pacing the floor. "I told you," he began, his voice filled with rage, "they came to see Nathan. I was there."

"And you and Nathan regularly hung out together?"

"What does Nathan have to do with this?" He shouted. "Tim is dead, we're all dead."

"We're all dead," she repeated evenly.

"They...they're all dead. I have to go."

Lucas was surprised to have made it out of the good doctor's office without further questioning. He decided the sessions weren't working. He'd tell his mother he was all better and act as normal as he could. Nathan was through with his physical therapy so he headed over to his apartment. He searched his key ring for the key Nathan had given him and let himself in. Nathan was lying across the sofa watching television.

The brunette struggled to sit up as his brother entered, wincing considerably while doing so.

"Rough day?" Lucas asked.

"I think my therapist worked with the Spanish Inquisition."

"I'm impressed," Lucas laughed.

"That my therapist is into torture?"

"No, that you are familiar with the inquisition."

Nathan offered his lopsided smile and made room for his brother next to him.

"It's okay to ask," Lucas said after awhile.

"Ask what?" Nathan pretended not to know what his brother meant.

"Ask how was my day in therapy. You never ask."

To Nathan, Lucas sounded bitter and he couldn't blame him. They were bonding because of the hellish attack Lucas had endured. It didn't seem right. Nathan feared that their fragile friendship would crack any minute. He didn't ask because he didn't want that to happen.

"I'm sorry Lucas, how was your day."

"I think my therapist worked with the Spanish Inquisition," he laughed humorlessly.

Nathan didn't know what to say. He didn't want to talk about it. He wondered if he should be going to counseling himself. So many odd feelings were cropping up when it came to his brother. He'd even dreamed of the attack, of him being there brutalizing Lucas. He'd woken up to sticky sheets and felt ashamed for it.

"Do you want to..."

"No, I don't want to talk about it," Lucas cut him off, leaning back against Nathan's shoulder and letting his hand fall carelessly onto his lap.

Nathan stared at the hand the rest so close to his crotch. "Did you tell her the truth?"

Lucas shook his head no.

"Luke, she can't help you unless..."

"I'm perfectly honest with her, I know," he sighed.

"You need to tell somebody. It will help. How about your mom?"

"No," Lucas shouted, gripping Nathan's thigh. "I'm sorry," he added, loosening his grip.

"Are you hungry?"

Lucas rolled his head to look at Nathan. "You really suck at this."

"What?" Nathan asked confused.

"The whole comforting thing. It makes you uncomfortable doesn't it?"

Nathan watched his brother's face, his eyes drifting down to his lips and back.

"Jesus Nathan." Lucas got up hastily and paced over to the breakfast bar.

"Lucas, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Your friends rape me; you want to make out with me. Why should you be sorry?"

"Why do you keep coming here?" Nathan demanded.

Lucas let out a short laugh before shaking his head, "I don't know. I guess misery really does love company."

"So you're punishing me for something I didn't do."

"No, you're punishing yourself for something you caused." Lucas knew there was no turning back now.

"So there it is. You finally said it. This is all my fault."

"Not all of it." Lucas wasn't willing to left his brother off the hook.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Nathan said half-heartedly.

"You tell me."

"Alright, Tim always was extreme but he never did anything like this before. I never thought he'd do anything like this."

"Like what Nathan. You never say it. I want you to say it," Lucas yelled.

"Like rape. Like raping you," Nathan shouted back.

"Why did he do it? Why me?"

"I guess," Nathan began, struggling to his feet, "because he was angry. You were more of a threat than anybody else."

"Why," Lucas pressed.

"Maybe he knew."

"That I was gay?"

"No, Lucas. He knew there was no place for him if you were around."

"Were you two..."

"No," Nathan answered sharply. "I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that I had decided I wanted you around and I think it made him angry."

"I should go," Lucas said suddenly.

Nathan felt afraid. "Don't. Let's...let's talk."

"We just did." Lucas's voice was cold.

"Let's talk about us."

"I can't. Not right now."

"Okay," Nathan conceded. He knew there was nothing he could say to make Lucas stay.

"Have you eaten?" Lucas asked, facing the door.

Nathan felt hopeful. "No, I haven't."

"Neither have I," Lucas attempted to smile.

"Italian or Chinese?"

"Both."

Nathan hobbled to the counter and sifted through the menus in his drawer.

"Nate? Do you think you could come to therapy with me?"

"Yeah," Nathan agreed readily, "I can do that."

Although he wasn't sure any good would come of it, Nathan decided not to chicken out at the last moment. Lucas seemed content to let the subject drop, so they ordered and ate in silence. It wasn't weird or awkward this time; at least for Nathan it wasn't. Lucas's mood seemed to have changed considerably since Nathan's promise. Both had decided to let the ugliness of the conversation that had finally bubbled to the service die for now. Both knew it was only a matter of time before it reared it's ugly head again.

"Well, I think that went well," Nathan quipped as he scurried to keep pace with his brother. They'd actually passed Nathan's car a few blocks back but Nathan understood Lucas's need to walk.

"You think this is a joke?" Lucas asked, whirling around suddenly causing Nathan to bump into him. Nathan wasn't stupid enough to go for a second attempt at levity.

"I think the whole thing was a bad idea," he answered solemnly.

"Which part?" Lucas moved closer, ignoring the strange stares from passersby. "The part where you told the fucking doctor you were in love with me or the part where you told her your friends raped me."

"Lucas," Nathan rasped out, "I was only trying to help."

"Don't you get it," Lucas replied, his voice full of venom, "I don't want your help and I certainly don't want you."

Nathan glanced at a couple of teens who obviously slowed down to hear the argument.

"Am I embarrassing you?" Lucas fumed.

Nathan shook his head. He wished that the whole thing had been a dream; Lucas's rape, the kiss they shared, the feelings he couldn't seem to turn off.

"No," he lied and fixed his gaze on his brother, hoping to bluff him into a calmer attitude. "Can we go back to my place to talk about this."

The teens that gathered moved on when it looked like a fist fight would not ensue. Lucas nodded and walked past his brother back towards the car. Once in and on their way, Nathan wasn't sure a free for all on the street wouldn't have been a better option. At least there would be witnesses. He tried to subdue the smile that threatened to break loose across his face when he thought about the look of shock and surprise on Dr, Foster's face during their session.

"What's so funny," Lucas grumbled.

"I think your therapist is going to need a therapist after today." He hadn't meant to be so flippant with his remarks and was sure Lucas was about to explode again. Nathan actually did a quick double take when he heard a small laugh escape his brother's lips.

"Nate?"

Nathan's heart did back flips every time Lucas called him that.

"Yeah Luke?"

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"For coming with me today. I don't think I could have gone on seeing her and keeping the truth bottled up."

Nathan nodded cautiously. They'd had these moments before, when things seemed to be going well and then chaos erupted.

"I just couldn't bear to see you like that," Nathan answered truthfully.

"I know. I …I just wish I could have done it on my own terms."

"Did you mean all the things you said in there?" Nathan asked, even though he knew talk of a physical relationship always led to more outbursts.

Lucas nodded.

"She probably thinks we're nuts." Nathan glanced at Lucas again before focusing on the road.

"I don't care what she thinks," Lucas said. He closed his eyes momentarily, resting his head back against the seat. "I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of being ashamed."

"You've nothing to be ashamed of."

Lucas opened his eyes and turned his head to face his brother.

"Not even how I feel about you?"

"Especially that," Nathan said firmly.

"I wish…"Lucas sighed before letting the thought die.

"You wish what?" Nathan wondered why they couldn't have talked this calmly at their session.

"I wish I had known how you felt before all this. Do you think, if I wasn't…If this didn't happen, you'd feel the same?"

Nathan shook his head, focusing on the road. He wasn't sure. Every since he found Lucas on that back road, he hadn't been sure about a lot of things. During their session, Lucas all but said that had Nathan been there, he would have taken part too. Even Dr. Foster, after she recovered from the shock, had made comments about the psychosexual implications in hazing and initiation rites. Nathan didn't think he had a sex problem with Lucas, aside from suddenly wanting to fuck him. Okay, so he'd stolen his clothes and the kidnapping would have included some forced stripping but he wasn't a crazed pervert like Tim. Part of him was glad he had called it off and wasn't there. He hated thinking he was capable of destroying Lucas the way Tim and his teammates had.

As they reached Nathan's apartment door, Nathan saw a paper taped to the front of it. He tore it down and handed it to Lucas while he got out his keys and unlocked the door. He was inside and flicked on the light, about to shut the door when he saw his brother, frozen in place outside the door, staring at the paper.

"Luke, what is it?"

A single tear spilled down Lucas's face and without hesitation, Nathan pulled the teen inside and into his arms.

"Talk to me Luke. What's wrong. Is it about this afternoon?"

He felt his brother tremble against him and heard the rustle of paper near his ear. Nathan pulled back to see that Lucas was offering the paper up to him. More tears followed and Nathan was torn between consoling his brother and finding out what caused his distress in the first place. The minute his eyes focused, he knew instantly what had changed his brother's mood.

The blue flyer had the worst picture of Tim he'd ever seen plastered dead in the center of it. Bold letters proclaimed a benefit dinner for the first annual Tim Smith Memorial Scholarship Fund.

Nathan crumbled the paper and let it fall to the ground. He wrapped his arms around his brother and rode out wave after wave of sobs, placing comforting kisses against his blond locks and rocking him gently in his arms.

"I'm so sorry Lucas…I'm so sorry."

Nathan wasn't sure how long they stood like that. Lucas seemed to go weak in his arms, exhausted from the emotional trauma of the day. He guided them to the sofa and sat, pulling Lucas against his chest. He felt just as exhausted as he assumed his brother did. It was getting dark outside when Lucas finally pulled himself together.

"Can I stay here tonight?" He asked, leaning forward, his elbows on his lap, his face buried in the palms of his hands.

"Sure," Nathan said, rubbing soothing circles against his back. "You should call your mom."

Lucas shivered and nodded, rising to retrieve his brother's cordless phone. He sidestepped the discarded flyer still lying crumbled on the floor. While Lucas was on the phone, Nathan picked up the paper and tossed in the trash outside. If he'd been a smoker, he would have had a cigarette to calm his nerves. He couldn't imagine the day getting any worse than it was already. He was still drained from the shouting and tears from earlier, the almost argument that ensued and enduring another emotional blow to Lucas fragile psyche. With a deep shuddering breath, he walked back into his apartment in time to hear Lucas telling his mom he loved her.

"Everything okay?" He asked, knowing that was a loaded question when it came to his brother.

"Yeah. How about you? You okay?"

Nathan nodded.

"I'm going to tell her," Lucas announced. "I'm going to tell my mom."

Nathan knew it was a selfish thought, but he couldn't help but believe if Karen knew what his friends had done, it would be the end of any hope of getting closer to Lucas. Instead he smiled, nodded and agreed to be by his side when he did. Nathan only hoped it would go better than things had gone today.

Neither had an appetite but Nathan insisted they eat. Money was tight so the two scrounged through Nathan's fridge and came up with a meal that bordered on breakfast. After, they sat quietly on the sofa, held hands and watched a DVD. Lucas yawned a couple of times and Nathan decided it was time for both of them to get some sleep.

Nathan was surprised how quickly Lucas drifted off. He himself sat up for a while watching his brother, curled up, back facing him. He wanted to slip behind him, bury his face in his hair and slip an arm around his waist, but he knew that was the last thing Lucas needed or wanted. Feeling sleep finally come after what seemed like hours, he turned of the light and lay on his back staring up in the darkened room at the ceiling. When he opened his eyes it was to the sight of Lucas resting against his chest, one arm thrown carelessly across his midsection. Lucas stirred slightly as sunlight spilled through the blinds and across the bed. Nathan lay still, waiting for his brother to fully awaken. Crystal blue eyes met his questioningly and Nathan offered up a hapless smile.

"What time is it?" Lucas groaned before burrowing in closer. Nathan draped an arm lightly around his brother's shoulder.

"It's seven?"

"It's Saturday right?"

"Yeah."

"Let's sleep a little longer," Lucas sighed against his human pillow.

"I have to go to work in a little while," Nathan answered regretfully. There was nothing he wanted more than to spend the morning laying in bed with his brother.

"What time?"

Lucas's voice vibrating against his chest tickled but he stifled his laugh and answered him, "Eleven."

"Plenty of time," Lucas murmured. By the sound of his voice, Nathan could tell he was already half asleep.

The second time they woke, Nathan found himself spooned behind his brother with Lucas's light snoring as his alarm clock. It was after nine and Nathan knew he really should start pulling himself together. The mall opened at ten and his shift at the pretzel stand started at eleven. He knew he'd probably have to drop Lucas home since he picked him up yesterday so they could go to his session after school. That left less than an hour to eat, shower, take his brother home and clock in on time.

"Let's have pretzels for breakfast," Lucas muttered, turning over to face his brother, "that way you don't have to rush to get ready."

Nathan smiled and stroked his brother's hair. "You must be a mind reader. You up to hanging out at the mall all day?"

"Not really. I thought I'd eat with you and then take your car and go home. I'll pick you up when you get off and then I thought…you could come home with me…"

"And talk to Karen," Nathan finished. "Okay."

Nathan knew if anyone should have butterflies in their stomach it should be Lucas and not him. He didn't want to let on how terrified he was of telling Karen the truth. He'd been selfish once, when he didn't take Lucas to the hospital after the attack. He wasn't going to be selfish again and bail on his brother.

The day went by much too fast after Lucas left the mall. He drove around for a bit, went by the river court but didn't stay. Basketball was ruined for him. Not even playing with his old friends held any appeal. He wondered if Nathan missed it and would he rejoin the team next year. They'd spent so much time focusing on him, that Lucas never thought much about Nathan or his feelings. He wondered how much of their new found friendship was based on his brother's guilt. The funny thing was, earlier, when they had first woke up, it was the first time he hadn't thought about the rape, or his mixed feelings for his brother. Everything felt right. It was a feeling he wanted to hold on to, but he knew he couldn't if he held on to his secrets.

He knew his brother was afraid. He could read it on his face. He had every right to be. His mom would more than likely flip when she found out what Nathan's friends had done to him. She probably would blame Nathan just as he had and in some ways still did. Lucas wondered if bringing Nathan with him would be a mistake. Things hadn't exactly gone well with his therapist. He could hardly imagine things going smoothly with his mother. He only hoped Nathan wouldn't have another outburst where he declared his undying love for him.

Lucas went home, climbed into his bed and tried to sleep. Sleeping was a crapshoot for him. Some nights were dreamless and others, he was there again, pushed down against the back seat, bent over the trunk of the car, being violated over and over again before being dumped in the murky water. Only this time, for the first time, he didn't hear Nathan's voice with the others. It had taken so much for Lucas to trust Nathan and believe he hadn't been there. In his dreams the faceless boys taunted him. During the actual attack they'd remained silently. Their grunts and groans the only thing to distinguish each rapist from the next. Lucas woke sweating and hyperventilating. He threw back the covers and headed for the shower. He always felt dirty after the dreams. A thought occurred to him and it frightened him. 'What if this secret is the only thing keeping us together?' Suddenly the thought of losing Nathan seamed unbearable. He closed his eyes against the warm stream of water and let it was away the tears the streamed down his face. 'I can't lose you,' he repeated in his head over and over again. "I can't," he dared to admit out loud.

It was the third time since the end of the school year that Nathan had been in these halls. The smell still sickened him and the buzz of activity left him feeling disjointed and out of place. This time was a little different though. Karen was actually talking to him, seeking his help. Her son had attempted suicide three times since the day he first told her about the attack. Three times since he'd been banned from Lucas's life. This time she wasn't yelling, ordering him out of her son's room. This time she was crying in his arms. Begging him to help.  
The last few months without Lucas, Nathan had felt like dying too, even though he knew their reasons were different. He held on to Karen Roe and promised her that he'd make things better for Lucas. His brother would receive another round of counseling and anti-depressant meds. At least now he was receiving counseling for the right reasons, although the rape was just one of things troubling Lucas.

"I can't stay here," was the first thing Lucas said when he saw Nathan.

"Lucas," Nathan began. He was frightened by the implications of what his brother was saying.

"Not that," Lucas assured. "I won't leave like that."

Nathan understood, even though he didn't trust Lucas to keep his word.

"I can't stay here, in this town."

"I'll go with you." Nathan pleaded.

"You have school."

"I have nothing if you go." Nathan sat on the side of the bed wanting to touch Lucas but he didn't.

"You mean you don't trust me not to hurt myself if I leave," Lucas answered bitterly.

"Can I Lucas? I can't…"

"Live?" Lucas asked cynically.

Nathan hung his head. It was too tiring, trying to be contrite around Lucas, always begging for fleeting forgiveness.

"I'm going to live with Keith in Charlotte." Lucas's voice was blank.

"What about counseling and your meds?"

"They have doctor's in Charlotte," Lucas smirked.

"Things will be better for you there," Nathan tried to convince himself.

"No, they won't, but at least there won't be all the reminders."

"Can I come visit you?" Nathan knew he sounded desperate because he was.

"I need some time, okay?"

When he felt Lucas's hand resting on top of his own, Nathan felt somewhat relieved.

"Okay," his voice cracked. "If you need me…"

"I promise, I'll call."

Nathan knew he would. He'd called each time he tried to end his life. He'd told him under different circumstances maybe things could have been different between them. Nathan doubted it. He couldn't see any scenario where he and his brother would have become lovers. Nathan didn't talk about his feelings anymore. He knew they were just damaging his brother more. He came to a decision to let Lucas go.

The weeks leading up to Lucas's departure, Nathan spent as much time with him as he possibly could. His daily routine centered around his brother. On days when Lucas went to therapy, Nathan drove him, waited for him and drove him back home. Things had gotten better between he and his supervisor at the pretzel stand, so Nathan managed his days off around Lucas's schedule and worked longer hours when he knew Karen would be with him. Sometimes after a particularly grueling session, he and Lucas would just drive in silence for miles. Sometimes they'd sit in the car and talk about nothing and other times they'd talk about the one important thing they rarely discussed, their feelings for each other.

Lucas spent his last night in Tree Hill with Nathan after having dinner with his mother and saying goodbye to Haley and Skills. Haley knew his real reasons for going. Skills did not. He didn't need anyone else blaming Nathan for something he'd had no control over or worst yet, exacting revenge on him. Months ago, after the rape, Lucas had thought about it. He'd contemplated gather Skills and Junk and the rest of his river court buddies and punishing Nathan, but now things were different. He'd come to that conclusion once and for all. What happened to him wasn't Nathan's fault. It didn't make it any less harder to be near him.

They ate dinner silently and watched a comedy. Nathan always prescreened the movies, making sure there wasn't any content that would make his brother uncomfortable. Once, he'd rented Cheaper By the Dozen. The brief scene where the eldest son got picked on by a jock sent Lucas into a depression. Since then, before Karen banned Lucas from seeing him, Nathan had gone through great lengths to keep that from happening again.

"I'll call you as soon as I settle in," Lucas said breaking the silence.

Nathan shook his head, half believing that he'd never hear from his brother again, or worst yet, it would be another one of those calls. Only this time, he'd be too far away to save him.

"When you're ready, I'd like to come and visit you for a weekend." Lucas's hesitation made Nathan add, "When you're ready."

Neither one of them paid much attention to the movie. Nathan could feel his brother's eyes on him. The tension was eating him alive. He almost didn't hear his brother when he spoke.

"What?" Nathan asked.

Lucas looked fearful, like he might have said something he hadn't meant to.

"I'm sorry," Nathan said softly, "I didn't hear you."

"Nothing, never mind."

"Lucas?"

"I said…can I kiss you?"

Nathan didn't mean to hesitate. He was startled was all. He realized his mistake when his brother started withdrawing into himself. He recognized all the signs. Cautiously, he reached a hand out and stroked Lucas's cheek.

"Of course you can." Nathan turned to face Lucas, trying to make himself open to his brother and not threatening at the same time. He wasn't sure if it was working.

It seemed like an eternity before Lucas moved closer, tentatively stroking a thumb against Nathan's lips. He studied him like he was some complicated math problem to be solved before leaning in shyly, pulling away at first and then awkwardly kissing Nathan's lips.

Of all the times Nathan had been kissed, this shy, clumsy kiss pressed lightly against his lips was the most exhilarating. He wanted to pull Lucas closer, devour the soft pink lips brushing against his own. He knew he couldn't. He knew whatever was happening, he had to let Lucas be in control. The guilt of finally getting what he wanted was no less. He wondered when Lucas kissed him again, if he should put a stop to it. There didn't seem to be a solution that wouldn't end up hurting Lucas. For Nathan, it was a question of which would hurt him less.

Nathan wasn't sure of the right answer and the selfish part of him wanted whatever Lucas was offering, even if it was only kisses. It turned out that was all that was offered. Lucas offered kisses on the sofa, against the wall leading to Nathan's bedroom and finally laying half dressed in Nathan's bed pressed against him. Nathan was pretty sure they'd fallen asleep kissing. Throughout it all, Nathan didn't press for more. When morning came, Lucas was gone.

He got whatever news he could about Lucas from Karen. He ended up quitting his job in the mall and working with her. It was as if being close to Karen made him closer to Lucas. He supposed Karen felt the same. Nathan became a sort of substitute son for her. He didn't see or hear from Lucas until their father died from a heart attack. Lucas and Keith drove back to Tree Hill for the funeral. At Nathan's insistence, Lucas sat next to him with his mother and Keith at the services. While friends gathered at the house to pay their respects, Nathan and Lucas walked the grounds together.

"You look good," Nathan said, "except for the crazy hair cut."

Lucas ran his hand over his close cropped hair and laughed. "Part of the new and improved me."

Nathan looked at his brother searching for signs that he was better, that he was dealing with his rape and their last night together.

"So…uhm…how long are you staying?" Nathan hoped the question didn't make him sound desperate.

"Another day or two. Gotta get back to school. I run the school newspaper," Lucas said with pride.

"That's great."

"I'm sorry."

"For?" Nathan asked a bit confused by the sudden apology.

"For leaving without saying goodbye. I was scared. I know you wanted more. I just…I couldn't give it to you."

Nathan closed the gap between them hesitating to touch his brother until Lucas took his hand and caressed it against his face.

"Have dinner with me?" Nathan asked, searching his brother's eyes for confirmation.

A smile followed by firm kiss against his mouth was Nathan's answer. After making sure his mom would be okay and promising to check in on her the next morning, Nathan went home, cleaned his apartment and attempted to transform the leftovers in his fridge into a gourmet meal.

Lucas was a no show for dinner. When Nathan finally got up the courage to call Karen, he found out that Keith had decided to head back to Charlotte that night. Nathan wasn't really surprised that Lucas had left without saying goodbye. He was however, pleasantly surprised by the hasty call from a rest stop an hour after he spoke to Karen.

"Nate, it's me," Lucas said hastily. "I'm sorry. Keith wanted to leave and…I…I didn't know what to say. I should have called."

As much as he wanted to be angry, he was too relieved to hear his brother's voice. "It's okay. I ordered pizza," he lied, looking over at the elaborate meal he'd put together for his brother.

Lucas let out a sigh of relief.

"Hey Luke? Do you have your laptop?

"Yeah, why?"

"Maybe we could chat sometime," he said hopefully. He could almost hear the smile in Lucas's voice.

"I'd like that."

"I'll be staying at my mom's for a while but I'm taking my computer with me."

"Nate?"

"Yeah?"

"I've been keeping one of those journals. You know, the ones online. There's something I'd like you to read."

Nathan wasn't sure he was ready to read his brother's innermost thoughts but he took down the web address anyway.

"Keith's coming. When you get a chance, read it and tell me what you think. I love you."

Lucas had already disconnected before those last words sunk in. "I love you too," he said to the dead line.

He'd taken to sleeping with his laptop on his bed, right next to his pillow, the volume turned up just in case Lucas logged on. His brother didn't sleep well at night. The anxiety of being in a new school with a whole new set of cliques to navigate weighed heavily on him. Nathan wanted to tell him he'd be fine, but they both knew that wasn't necessarily true. He wanted to reassure Lucas with words like "what's the worst that could happen," but they both knew Lucas had already experienced the worst.

It didn't matter to either of them if they woke up the next morning bleary eyed and exhausted, a night chatting with each other was worth it. When Nathan's laptop died on him, he was frantic. He was afraid Lucas would log in and not finding him there, assume he no longer was interested in being his lifeline. He didn't have enough money to repair, let alone purchase a new one. It's not like he had friends anymore, though in hindsight, he realized he never really did. His so-called friends were responsible for the mess he found himself in. Lucas's friends were shunning him and Nathan knew that word was slowly leaking out about what happened to his brother.

Begging his father for money was not an option. He considered texting Lucas, but his cell phone bill was already out of control from the couple of calls he made to his brother when he first left. Nathan didn't feel comfortable calling Lucas on the house phone. He tried it once but Keith, without saying it in so many words, let him know his calls were unwelcome. Tired from work, school and late nights up with his brother, Nathan thumbed through the yellow pages. He found a listing for an all night cyber café. He set his alarm, caught about two hours of sleep before grabbing his backpack and driving to the next town, intent of making it there before his brother could miss him.

He hadn't planned it but when he missed the turn off for his exit, he knew exactly where he was headed. It was crazy and he knew if Keith didn't appreciate his phone calls, he definitely wouldn't appreciate him showing up at two in the morning.

Lucas wanted to talk to Nathan. Today had been an especially bad day. There hadn't been any one thing in particular that Lucas could point to and say that is what was wrong . There was just an overwhelming sense of loneliness. He missed Nathan. Plus he had news he was eager to share and hr had come to a few decisions as well. Had he been back in Tree Hill, he knew after a day like today, he would have found himself in his brother's apartment. He hadn't made any friends in his new school yet, nor did he really want to. He was sure his obsession, his feelings or whatever he felt for Nathan was unhealthy but he didn't care. In some ways he knew Nathan had suffered also. He wasn't foolish enough to believe his brother had suffered in the same way he had, but Nathan was hurting too. Nathan had lived through his pain and stood firmly by his side. He also knew that their bond was growing stronger, reaching far beyond an ugly incident that sometimes threatened to mar their relationship forever. With a mixture of melancholy and anxiety, Lucas hurried home, he needed to chat with his brother.

He ate dinner with his uncle Keith, who watched him like a hawk constantly and held late night phone conversations with Karen when he thought Lucas was asleep. Lucas watched a little television and then went to bed. He kept his laptop on and by his pillow. Though he was sure he wouldn't sleep a wink, he woke with a start to the sound of tapping on his window. He checked the clock and it was nearly four in the morning. His eyes glanced to his laptop. As illogical as it was, he wanted to tell Nathan that there was a noise at his window and he was frightened, only Nathan hadn't logged on.

He wondered what Keith would think if he made a beeline for his bedroom across the hall of the tiny one story home they shared. He often wondered if Keith thought him less of a man because of what happened and the prospect of confirming those thoughts by curling up in a ball next to his uncle didn't sit well with him. Gathering all the courage he could, he grabbed the closest thing to a weapon he could find, his Shakespeare Lexicon. Without turning on the light, he crept closer to the window. He decided the element of surprise would give him an advantage. He yanked back the curtain with one hand to find a pair of eyes and a pale face staring back at him. Lucas let out a pathetic yelp, barely loud enough to bring Keith running. As he backed away from the window, lexicon raised high, he heard the familiar voice of his brother through the pane apologizing profusely and begging to be let in.

It took several minutes for Lucas to move forward again. Even with Nathan actually saying, "It's me Nathan," it was hard to move. When he finally did, Lucas threw the window open, reached out and practically dragged his younger brother inside. Nathan was still trying to apologize but he found it next to impossible with Lucas hugging him so tight, scolding him for doing such a harebrain thing and showering kisses on him all at the same time. After more scolding and kisses came the questions.

"What are you doing here? Are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea what time it is?" Lucas fired off.

"I came to see you. Yes and I'm guessing an ungodly hour," Nathan shot back and Lucas let out a robust laugh before covering his mouth.

"You nearly scared me half to death. You're lucky you didn't tap on Keith's window," Lucas said angrily before grabbing Nathan into another hug.

"Actually, I did. I've been hiding in the bushes for probably an hour, terrified he'd come back outside with a shotgun."

"And they say I need therapy," Lucas chuckled, tossing his weapon onto the bed before motioning for Nathan to join him on it. "What are you doing here?" Lucas asked again.

"My laptop died and were you planning to hit me with this thing or read sonnets to me?"

Nathan sat stiffly next to Lucas, noting the laptop by his brother's pillow and that he was indeed logged on to chat.

"I didn't want you to think I didn't want to talk to you."

"Nate," Lucas said shaking his head, "I would never think that."

"I was going to a cyber café and I missed the exit and then suddenly I was…I just had to see you."

Lucas smiled relishing the familiar hapless look on his brother's face while Nathan cherished the genuine smile on Lucas's. Even before the rape, Nathan couldn't recall his brother really smiling and he hated the fact that he was mostly to blame.

"I'm glad you're here." Lucas let his hand drape over his brother's. "I missed you."

"I love you," Nathan blurted out and was surprised when Lucas held on tighter.

"I'm going to drop out of school when this semester's over."

Nathan hadn't been expecting Lucas to say he loved him too, but his announcement wasn't exactly expected either.

"Luke…"

"I've made up my mind. I was planning on telling you tonight. I've been writing about what happened to me, the rape." Lucas got up and moved to his closet and extracted what looked like an oversized shoebox.

"What's this?" Nathan was still trying to think of ways to persuade his brother to finish high school and process the fact that his brother had put his ordeal to paper.

"It's a manuscript I guess," Lucas shrugged. "I began it after our first day in therapy together."

Nathan handled the box with the same care he'd been trying to handle Lucas with for so many months. When he opened the lid, there were typed pages about as thick as a ream of paper.

"It's about us, minus the being brother's part. There's this independent publishing company that's interested in my story."

Nathan studied the first few pages before him. "You wrote about what Tim and the others did to you?"

Lucas bit his lip and nodded. He took a seat next to his brother again.

"It was therapeutic. You think I'm nuts." Lucas felt stupid for sharing something so awkward with his brother.

"If it helped, then no."

"You helped, more than you'll ever know." Lucas summoned the courage to face his brother.

"Does it have a happy ending?" Nathan stared at the pages longer before looking up and turning to face his brother.

"I don't know. The story's not finished yet. What do you think?"

"I think anything's possible if you want it bad enough."

Lucas leaned across and Nathan met him half way. The shared a gentle yet passionate kiss. Nathan didn't press. He let Lucas call the shots. This was his story after all. Only he could determine the outcome.


End file.
